I’m gonna say right now that there’s no way on God’s Green Earth you’ll get me to see Analyze That with out either:

  1. Knocking me unconcious.
  2. Lobotomizing me.

The reason behind this is simple: If you can’t go to the trouble of conjuring a clever movie title, then my butt isn’t going to be in the seat come opening day. I mean, Analyze That? It’s like they aren’t even trying!

More accurately, everyone associated with this film, from the writers to the director, to the producers and actors promised that they wouldn’t come back for a sequel unless there was a quality script involved. From what I hear, that’s not the case. It looks like a typical grab and dash job to me. Is anyone else getting slightly worried by DeNiro’s picture choices lately?

I think the fact that an actor of his caliber is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend is a pretty clear indication that we’ve got a turkey on our hands here. Why else would he take such a high-profile gig to promote the movie? Maybe a season or two ago I would have understood, but this year? Blech! Will Ferrel, we miss you…

I feel the urge to keep ranting, but I think I’ve run out of piss and vinegar. I was going to launch into a whole tirade against the cross-marketing of crap media and how it’s grown out of control.

Okay, I’ll take a swipe at it.

Take for example Jennifer Lopez. I used to really dig this girl. When she was in Out of Sight, she couldn’t be any hotter. I thought she was an awesome actress and I admired her a lot.

Then her recording career got in the way. J-Lo happened.

First things first. Any self-designed moniker you give yourself I will immediately reject. We all know damn well no one was calling her J-Lo before she insisted on it with the release of her album. I’m sure people weren’t Gordon Sumner didn’t start asking people to call him Sting because he thought it sounded hip. He earned the nickname after performing several times in a yellow and black striped sweater.

Anyway, back to J-Lo. First she gives herself the nickname, then she has to drill it in our heads that she’s NOT a diva by penning two songs on the subject (“I’m Real”, “Jenny From the BlocK”) and now she’s virtually carpet-bombing all media outlets to plug her cheesy wares.

Don’t try to tell me that it’s coincidental that she decided to reveal to the world her engagement to Ben Affleck with Diane Sawyer a few scant weeks before she released her latest crap-tacular album and sweet a pie chick power movie Maid in Manhattan. Did you know she even tossed in a sample of her perfume Glow with every copy of her album?

This cross-pollination has to stop!

To hell with Jennifer Lopez. She’s nothing but a Latina Sandra Bullock to me now. Oh, God! She’s has a poorly made chick-empowerment movie coming out soon, too, doesn’t she? Two Weeks Notice? That’s it. I’m official going into hibernation. Wake me when it’s March.

↓ Transcript
Funnyman Billy Crystal in a brainstorming session to name the sequel to his hit comedy, Analyze This...

Analyze This 2: All Anal Action

Analyze This: Your Mutha

My Big, Fat Money-Grubbing Circle Jerk

Oh, hell! Can't we just call it Analyze That so I can go home?