I always feel like I’m taking a risk by relying on a visual gag for the punchline of a comic. You never know how it’s going to play. But I was so much more interested in coming up with a list of fake names for Valentine’s Day, I decided to throw caution to the wind.

Incidentally, do you know how long it takes to make a high-res recreation of an IMDB page? Longer than it takes to draw, ink, color and shade two panels of this comic – I’ll tell you that much!

Obviously I’m having a little fun by suggesting Sgt. Slaughter is in Valentine’s Day. But as ridiculous as the cast list is for this thing, he might has well be.

Cami only gave you a sample of who shows up in this movie. Check out the names attached to this thing:

Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, Shirley MacLaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts, and Taylor Swift.

Those are 19 big names. A handful of these actors are Oscar winners! That’s ri-donk-ulous! What kind of dirt does director Garry Marshall have on these people to group them together in an American knock-off of Love, Actually? It’s scary how much clout that guy has. Must be carry-over from his days as a writer on Laverne & Shirley.

I was actually kind of open to the idea of seeing Valentine’s Day until I heard Garry Marshall was directing it. As a director, his work is all about schmaltz and playing it safe. Look at his directing credits over the last 10 years – The Other Sister, Runaway Bride, The Princess Diaries, Raising Helen, The Princess Diaries 2 and Georgia Rule. I look at these films and the women in the audience who he targets and cynically assume that he must think all women are stupid.

Critical reaction to Valentine’s Day has been overwhelmingly negative with a 16% rotten rating at Rotten Tomatoes as of this writing. If it is at all a success at the box office, it will be based on its star power and simplistic branding. “A movie called Valentine’s Day being released on Valentine’s Day weekend? I simply must go!” This is why I scold Rob Zombie for not getting his Halloween remakes released closer to Halloween. People will go because they feel like they’re supposed to go.

I don’t know the details of the film, but I think I know the premise. If it’s about Valentine’s Day, certainly it’s about finding love or that special someone on the titular day and the frustrations that come along with that.

Does anyone truly believe that Jennifer Garner or Bradley Cooper would have trouble finding a date on Valentine’s Day? I mean, MAYBE Topher Grace. But c’mon!

Cami and I haven’t talked much about the film, but I can kind of sense that she’s not interested in seeing it. Instead, for Valentine’s Day, we’re going to leave the kids with my folks and have a nice dinner. That’s going to be about it. That’s just fine with me!

What are your Valentine’s Day plans? Do you plan on seeing Valentine’s Day the movie? If so, is there a particular actor that drew you in? Do you feel the large cast of actors will be helpful or a hindrance to the movie? Leave your comments below!

↓ Transcript
Wow! Julia Roberts, Jamie Foxx, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifah, Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner, Kathy Bates... The producers of Valentine's Day really went all out!

It's a marketing plot.

They're trying to reach into as many audience segments as possible.

You should read the full cast list at IMDB.com

It's a real eye-opener.