Writing this comic, I tried to figure out a way to incorporate Andy Rooney in some way. In my mind, he’s one of America’s all-time greatest cranks. He rambles on about unimportant matters with a know-it-all tone reflective of the take-no-responsibility mantra of the American populace. I certainly wish him no ill will, but if he were to disappear entirely from the end of 60 Minutes each week, I wouldn’t miss him.
Since I was unable to write Rooney into the strip directly, please enjoy this video – one in a series of edited shorts that takes the first and last line of one of Andy’s rants and cuts out the middle. The effect is often quite hilarious.
You can find more of Andy’s truncated rants here.
Steering the conversation back to things more cinematic in nature… Crank: High Voltage comes out this weekend and a lot of people I know are excited to see it. I kind of have to chuckle because, judging by the trailers, the film is complete trash and the filmmakers know this. I think people are excited for it simply because they’re responding to a certain level of honesty in the marketing.
If you’ve seen the first Crank, you know entirely what to expect. Jason Statham runs around for 90 minutes kicking, punching and shooting things. Last time he was given a deadly intravenous “Beijing Cocktail”. A synthetic drug which stops the flow of adrenaline in the body, slowing the heart, and eventually killing the victim. The idea was to have Statham keep his adrenaline level up by causing mayhem the entire length of the movie in an effort to stay alive.
This time out, Statham’s character has been scooped up by black market surgeons attempting to harvest his organs. They perform surgery and steal his heart, replacing it with a temporary electronic one. He wakes up and chases the surgeons in an attempt to reclaim his stolen heart. Meanwhile, he has to continuously electrocute himself throughout to keep the artificial heart charged and working.
Why the surgeons bothered to install an electronic heart in the first place, I don’t know. But I’m sure the movie has a very good reason.
Look, it’s not like logic is the forte of this genre of film, so check your brain at the door and have a good time already.
We were talking about Statham as an action hero a little bit on The Triple Feature last Monday and I think all of us respect the guy for what he’s willing to put up with. Obviously, he’s game for anything. But at the same time, it would be nice if he could pick a movie that wasn’t constantly winking at the audience with its antics. Statham is a certifiable bad-ass. But he’s also a bit of a clown. Or at least a bad-ass stuck in clownish pictures.
Looking back at the luminaries of the action genre, Statham could run circles around Jean-Claude Van Damnm or Steven Segal with his physicality. But Van Damm and Segal carefully cultivated an enduring, impenetrable image. At least until the started making deck like Double Team and The Glimmer Man. Perhaps Statham can solidify his cred a little bit when The Expendables comes out next year. We’ll see.
I’ll probably see Crank: High Voltage this weekend simply because I know it’s something Cami will have no interest in seeing. So I won’t feel guilty for going to the movies when we can’t get a babysitter for Henry. But what about the rest of you? Are you planning to see the movie this weekend? If so, what’s the appeal for you? Were you a fan of the original? Does this one look better or worse? Leave your comments below.
Also, be sure to check back on the site later in the day. I will be announcing a week-long pre-order on the Spoiler Alert t-shirt I previewed earlier in the week. Thanks.
"Crank" is slang for meth. You know - hopped up? Wired, energetic, crazy?
Oh, okay. So it's NOT about a bitter, aggressive old man who like to force his opinions on you?
ACTION MOVIES TODAY ARE CRAP!
In my day, we didn't have martial arts or "CGI." Our actors did that stuff FOR REAL!
Harold Lloyd dangled from that clock face FOR REAL!
TWENTY-EIGHT PEOPLE DIED FILMING IT!