Archive for March, 2003

12 items.

I DON’T WANNA GET OFF ON A RANT HERE, BUT…

by Tom on March 31, 2003 at 12:00 am
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars
(6 votes, average: 7.17 out of 10)
Head of State, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Heaven Can Wait, Down to Earth, Chris Rock, rant, understanding, white people, lame

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Head of State was number one at the box office this weekend. Considering the world climate, it makes sense that audiences would go see comedies. I guess I just hate to see Chris Rock find success with such pandering material. He's starting to become the Jennifer Lopez of urban comedies - i.e. A performer I once respected who gets caught up in producing, directing, writing, whatever and ends up churning out the same predictable formula-driven dreck.

I know everyone thought he was great a few years ago when he had his HBO special Bring The Pain, but that was way back in '96. Bigger and Blacker was in '99, but not as impressive.

People often compare Rock to Eddie Murphy. I think he should take a page out of his book and do a concert movie like Raw featuring his stand up material. I know we all have a bad taste in our mouth after Martin Lawerence in Run Tel Dat, but if anyone can make it work, Rock can. He's too good a talent to dry up in cozy demographic land.

I'd continue with my rant, but the other half was already covered by the strip. So we'll let that one stand on it's own two feet.

Spent this weekend watching both of MICHAEL Moore's previous documentaries. I had seen both Roger and Me as well as The Big One before, but Cami became interested after Moore won his Oscar for Bowling for Columbine.

I never got a chance to see Bowling for Columbine in theaters, so I have to wait until it comes out on video. I regret that. I know I would have really enjoyed it. I remember getting several e-mails at the time it was in release from people urging me to see it. "YOU would love it," they said. Why didn't I get up off my lazy ass. The world will never know.

I'd still like to take a swing at seeing Spirited Away. The film serves as a GREAT example of what Oscar gold can do for a picture. Before it won it's trophy for Best Animated Picture, the movie was only being shown in 7 theaters nationwide. After the win, Disney (the distributor, not the animators) re-released it into 800 theaters. Luckily, our best independent theater - The Fluer Cinema (check out their web site design; it's killer)- got a hold of it. Gotta check it out before it moves on.

For those of you who are curious as to how things went in Kansas City this weekend at Planet Comicon, things couldn't have been better! I had a blast!

Jared and I took off around 7AM Saturday morning (no problem for me since my beagle Truman decided to get up at 4AM) and got into K.C. right around 10 when the convention started. We wondered around the floor for a while, just getting our bearings and checking out the deals.

Around 11AM I finally worked up the nerve to go say high to Mike and Jerry from Penny Arcade. They had a lot of fans standing around their booth. I was surprised how many of them brought cardboard tubes for them to sign - a sign of reverence toward the "Chronicle of The Cardboard Tube Samurai" they recently ran. One guy even brought a panel to his computer case and asked Mike to draw his character Div on the side of it.

Man... I wish I had thought of that.

It was good talking to Mike and Jerry. I told them about Theater Hopper, but neither had heard of it. I gave them my URL in hopes they would check out the site. I told them in person that their success had a lot to do with inspiring me to start my operation - and it's true. I don't expect to ever match their success, but here are two guys, roughly my age, who carved out a niche for themselves that tens of thousands of fans respond to vigorously. Who among you can say the same? I can't.

I could never imagine Theater Hopper growing to a level of success where appearances at comic book conventions would be either welcomed or warranted. I don't even know what I would do if placed in that situation. Behind that desk, greeting people that come to see you. You shake hands and say thank you to these people for making you popular. How weird. I would be terrified that I would be letting them down in some way.

That's the trouble with the Internet. It's really easy to mask the behind-the-scenes stuff if you want to. People can build up your image to suit their imaginations. What if I don't meet their expectations?

But Mike and Jerry seemed to handle it really well. I didn't get a picture with them, but I got a picture OF them. Unfortunately, there are about 20 more pictures left on the roll, so it will probably be a while before I can get my shots on the site.

I didn't get pictures with any of the other celebrities in attendance. Mostly because none of them warranted shucking out $25 bucks for the "honor". I'm sure Lou Ferrigno is a nice guy and everything, but what do you say to him? "What was it like being painted green 30 years ago?"

The Playmates in attendance weren't that thrilling, either. In fact, they were down-right depressing. I know one of the two was Playmate of the Year at some point. I guess within that "industry", that's probably the pinnacle of achievements. But to find yourself signing autographs at a comic book convention 20 years later all used up and wrinkled? Sad. I suppose that's what you get when you base your entire earning potential on your genetics - or silicone, or whatever...

Anyway, that's my report for the forefront of geekdom. I promise I'll get back to the movie stuff from here on out.

I will, however, say this: I snagged a killer deal on some old Iron Man comic books. I found a dealer who was selling them for 50 cents a piece - good condition, too. Keep in mind, these books were selling for 75 cents back in the late 80's when they were originally published. That's quite a savings!

I don't know if that's a comment on my superior bargain-hunting skills, or a sad commentary on the state of the collectors market, but whatever. Iron Man is the coolest. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

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IT CAN’T BE REAL

by Tom on March 28, 2003 at 12:00 am
Posted In: Blog
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

Okay, so I'm trolling about the Internet reading reviews of The Core and I find something spooky.

Follow this link to The Core's page at the Internet Movie Database. Read the credited cast listing and look for Delroy Lindo. Notice the name of the character he's playing? "DR. EDWARD BRAZELTON"?!?! THERE'S A CHARACTER IN THE STEAMING TURD OF A MOVIE THAT SHARES MY NAMESAKE?!?!

I am officially freaked out right now. I need to go to bed, like, immediately.

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THE HOLLYWOOD PROCESS

by Tom on March 28, 2003 at 12:00 am
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(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 10)
The Core, hookers, blow, disaster movie, formula, stress

I think if I didn't make a joke about this weekend's newest disaster flick, The Core, you would think that I was feeling ill.

Today's comic reflects my opinion of the behind-the-scenes machinations that brought this atrocity to multiplexes nationwide.

The producers of The Core are about five years too late if they're still trying to ride the wave of late 90's disaster epics. What Independence Day wrought has long since subsided.

The plot alone is too ridiculous to take serious. It echoes a period in cinematic history where people thought radiation could make bugs huge.

...and this was scary.

The premise of The Core is that our government has implanted a weapon into the center of the Earth, using it to trigger earthquakes against enemy nations. Somehow, this "don't fool with Mother Nature" brain fart causes the core to stop "spinning" (yeah, right) and then cause electro-magnetic super storms that ravage the surface. The only solution? To drill through the crust and destroy the machine with NUCLEAR WARHEADS, thus jump-starting the planet and returning everything back to normal.

I think anyone who buys a ticket to this movie should get a free swift kick in the ass with every purchase. Everything about this movie flies so flagrantly against everything we know about science..NAY! COMMON SENSE!... that anyone who aids it's success during it's theatrical run is effectively dumbing down the rest of the population by association.

Harsh words? You betcha. But it's how I feel.

I'm very excited to go to Planet Comicon in Kansas City. I received an e-mail from someone else in the Des Moines area who said they were going, too. They even asked for a sketch if they bumped into me! That's weird. Here I am prepping myself to get into total fanboy mode, and someone comes along telling me they dig what I do. Have I crossed the other side? Have I become one of... them?

Nah. I'm still gonna have Lou Ferrigno sign my forehead.

One last note: Aric over at Fish Strips is undertaking a huge new storyline where all of your favorite web comic all-stars are making cameos. Aric was cool enough to find room for both Tom and Cami, so you should check out his good work.

Aric has been laying low for a little while, but I'm totally digging his new direction. It's good to see him jump back in with both feet!

Now, if only my character can catch a knife in the eye, I will know I have made it in life.

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WE NEVER TALK ANYMORE

by Tom on March 26, 2003 at 12:00 am
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(5 votes, average: 9.00 out of 10)
conversation, awkward, distance, Oscars

For the record, I really don't feel like there's nothing to talk about in movie-land at the moment. For example, there about a hundred and one cheap shots I could take at that johnny-come-lately end of the world flick The Core coming out on Friday. But why spend all your joke money in one place? I thought it would be kind of fun to do a short strip on the Oscar let down.

Does anyone else notice how the entire ceremony just vanishes from your memory like a fart in the wind after just a few scant days?

Secondly, I don't want anyone to think that today's strip is some how a reflection on my relationship with Jared. Things are fine. We talk to each other quite often. This isn't Movie Comics, y'know! :)

Truth be told, things couldn't be much better. If you read Penny Arcade at all, you'll know Jerry and Mike will be making an appearance in Kansas City this weekend at the Planet Comicon convention. Guess who is going to see them? That's right! US!

Kansas City is about 3 hours away from Des Moines, so we thought it would be a fun way to kill an afternoon to go to the show. We're leaving early so we can be there when it opens at 10am. The day wraps up at 5, so it would be no trick to go home in the same day and be back before Saturday Night Live.

I'm going to take my camera and hopefully we can get a picture with the two of them. If it turns out their 300 pound bodyguards keep us at bay, I'll try and snag a photo with Lou Ferrigno instead. If I get any good shots, I'll be sure to post them on the site.

I'm really pumped about going and I would be lying if I said I wasn't entertaining the thought that Jerry and Mike might be familiar with what goes on over in our little corner of the Internet. I would introduce myself, tell them I'm a fan and ask them if they've ever heard of Theater Hopper.

The conversation could go one of a few ways, I suppose. They could say they've seen it and liked, the could say they've seen it and thought is sucked, or they could say they've never heard of it. If the latter proves true, maybe I could turn them on to our littler operation. Jerry would link to me from his blog and hordes of fans would crash the server just before flooding my inbox with hate mail!

It's the stuff dreams are made of.

Either way, I'm buying a poster and asking them to sign it. Gotta cash in on eBay after they hit the big time! :)

You may have noticed that I took the poll off of the site. I know that it was kind of popular among my regular visitors, but I got tired of trying to come up with new questions. Plus, it never worked completely right and I think it kind of looked ugly, so I pitched it.

I'm thinking about starting up the forums again, but this time going with phpBB instead of IkonBoard. I know there is a poll feature in there, so I'll probably make a special folder for it. I don't know if that's happening any time soon, but it's part of the evolution of the site.

An item of interest: I watched Ghostbusters tonight on DVD. I put off buying it for the longest time. But when you sit down and watch it, you realize just how great a gift it is to American cinematic comedies.

It's like, you've seen it on TV a million times. It's been part of the background noise of your life for decades now. But it really is freakin' hilarious. Every time Bill Murray quips, I pass out in laughter. If I had half his easy-going confidence, his total command of that playful B.S. swagger, that would be the coolest.

The best part of watching the movie for us is that we could see the hotel we stayed at while we were in New York a few weeks ago.

There's a scene where Murray comes up to Sigourney Weaver at Lincoln Center. They do a wide shot, and our hotel - The Empire Hotel - was in the background. Now when we show people pictures from our trip, we can slide Ghostbusters in the DVD player, skip to that scene and say "See that building in the background? That's where we stayed." A lot of the action in the movie takes place around Central Park West which was pretty much the nexus of our visit. It's cool to see that stuff on celluloid.

If you haven't watched it in a while, I strongly suggest picking it up. Besides, we all know movies are much better when the swear words aren't replaced by nonsense words like "bulldip" or "crud".

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CONFUSION

by Tom on March 24, 2003 at 12:00 am
Posted In: Blog
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I guess after 100 strips, I can't get away with stupid errors anymore!

When I went to check my e-mail this morning, there were notes from eight people informing me that I mis-named Best Documentary filmmaker MICHAEL Moore as the post-Connery Bond ROGER Moore.

Despite my better efforts, this is something I do quite often. As you may recall, Michael Moore directed a documentary about GM CEO Roger Smith

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GOLDEN SHOWERS

by Tom on March 24, 2003 at 12:00 am
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(8 votes, average: 7.88 out of 10)
Oscars, phases, Nicole Kidman, Chris Cooper, Chicago, denial, self-satisfaction, outrage, realization

Well, another Oscar ceremony has come and gone, and what's to make of it? I wish I knew.

I know that the telecast was not as painful a viewing experience as I had braced myself for. I spent a lot of time before the show making sure my eye-sockets were in peak physical condition because I was planning on doing a lot of eye-rolling at bloated, self-important celebrities who derided the current war with Iraq.

But much to my chagrin, there was very little political boasting and what little there was, I couldn't disagree with. By the end, I was practically begging someone to say something half-baked. Thank goodness for Michael Moore. If you didn't see it, his anti-war rant and personal attacks against Bush after winning Best Documentary for Bowling for Columbine were not very well received by the audience. I would expect nothing less.

Truthfully, I felt the show, for the most part, was a tepid affair. Things were pretty much going to plan until about the last fifth of the show unraveled. Adrain Brody winning Best Actor and Roman Polanski winning Best Director both for their work in The Pianist floored me. It's not often that I emit audible gasps, let a lone multiple gasps, but such was the case tonight.

Perhaps I was more blind-sided from their respective victories because I've not yet made it out to the theater to see The Pianist. This must be remedied quickly.

Cami and I have had several discussions about our reluctance to see the movie. We've conjured several excuses. Think of all the dozens of films you've seen about World War II or the Holocaust. These aren't pleasant periods in history to visit. Given the current climate where we are experiencing these horrors in real-time, why would we subject ourselves to it as a form of "entertainment".

Another issue in particular that bothers us is Polanski's sorted history as a nearly-convicted rapist. The story is to convoluted to go into here, but you should investigate it if you're not familiar with it.

Sometimes it is difficult to separate art from the artist. Considering the results are often such personal reflections of the creator, if you condemn a man for his actions, how can you not condemn his final product of expression?

That seems black and white, but I don't feel like supporting the work of a rapist, do you?

But on the other hand, several great artists - those we would call the grand masters - were more often than not, especially horrible people during their living years. How many artists can you think of who abused their wives, were drug addicts or alcoholics. The list is nearly infinite. But if their work was sound and still capable to inspire, we look past these transgressions and even go so far to put the artists on a pedestal. Why do we need to wait for Polanski to be dead and his crimes erased from our collective memory before we can appreciate his work?

Despite the moral quandary we find ourselves in, I cannot resign myself from the fact that I will always support the arts more than the artists. And if a community of his peers felt his film was worthy enough to recognize, then I owe it myself to learn more about it. When that will be, I cannot say.

/switching gears/

Another shocker of the evening was Eminem winning Best Original Song for "Lose Yourself" from 8 Mile. I thought there was no greater long-shot in the category - especially when you consider the rapper's notorious history and his unwillingness to perform the song at the ceremony. It was even more shocking to see the Academy actually honor the song that WAS the best, rather than some emotional clap-trap that rang false. I would have looked to U2's "The Hands That Built America" for that one.

Beyond that, what's left to say? I know that I wasn't pleased to see Chicago walk away with Best Picture. It was never anything more than glossy, yet well-executed fluff to me. I think I'll have to lobotomize that part of my brain that can't stop replaying "All That Jazz" over and over again.

I was disappointed that Martin Scorsese didn't walk away with something for Gangs of New York. From the looks of things, it was shut out completely. I could be wrong on that, though. I think the boat has sailed for old Marty. I'm the reasoning behind most Academy voters is, "If he didn't win for Goodfellas, why should he win for this?" The best he can hope for at this point is Lifetime Achievement.

I was especially pleased to see Conrad Hall be awarded for Best Cinematography for Road to Perdition as well as Chris Cooper winning Best Supporting Actor for Adaptation. Both were richly deserved.

And lastly, I was especially pleased to see that Spirited Away won Best Animated Picture. This is something I can use as leverage to introduce Cami to the wonderful world of anime! Actually, I would have been please just as long as they didn't give the damn thing to Ice Age or Treasure Planet. Blech!

That's a lot for now. I'm certain there will be more to reflect on later. If you have any thoughts about last night's show, feel free to share your thoughts.

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CURE-ALL

by Tom on March 21, 2003 at 12:00 am
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(6 votes, average: 8.50 out of 10)
doctor, hospital, Oscar Fever, symptoms, Entertainment Weekly

So here it is. The last strip before we head into the triple digits. I'd like to think that it was all part of some grand design that I was able to synchronize the coming of my 100th strip with the aftermath of the largest night in Hollywood, but just like everything else, it'd dumb luck.

I'm not planning to make a big deal out of my 100th strip. There's already been enough hullabaloo going on around here anyway. Instead, I plan on quietly observing the occasion by staring blankly at a wall and wondering how am I so fortunate to have an audience that is interested and supportive of what I do so that there could even be a 100th strip. Wow.

By now the war with Iraq has gone into full-swing and it's starting to affect things at home. One of the more interesting developments in the entertainment world is that Oscars producer Gil Cates has decided to scrap the pre-show and red carpet treatment before the show.

I've heard some people complain that this is giving in to terrorism because they are essentially handicapping a large portion of why people watch the Oscars in the first place. They say the Oscars are an "American institution" and they are diluting it. Would they do something like this to the Super Bowl?

To which I say, "Phooey."

The Oscars are little else than an industry circle jerk where very few of the deserving pictures actually walk away with any recognition. It's an event based less and less on the strength of individual artistic achievements and more and more about who's wearing what and how hard a publicist campaigns for that little gold statue.

Certainly among award ceremonies, the Oscars are the zenith of the genre. But you'd be a damn fool not to admit that, at the end of the day, what the Oscars boil down to is mindless entertainment - the results of which bear very little in terms of what movies will be made in the future versus the steady stream of dreck we're shoveled each year.

I say good for Gil Cates for showing a little backbone and instilling a little class into the ceremonies. Yeah, it would be nice to see what people are wearing or to watch the show without this ominous cloud looming overhead. But to keep on like nothing's happening? That's like taking everything the rest of the world hates about America, packing it into a tight, little ball and smearing it across the face of our detractors not to mention those who are fighting this war so far away right now. It's like saying "See all the glamor! See all this drama! See what you DON'T get to be a part of?! Nyyahhh!!"

I'm not too sure if I'm even going to watch the Oscars with much interest. If I didn't need material for the strip, I probably wouldn't watch them at all. As things are now, I am simply not interested in watching a bunch of overpaid actors spout off on a global crisis that is, quite frankly, beyond their sphere of influence. Whether they support it or admonish it, no one can really take you seriously because you make about 100 times more money in a fiscal quarter than most of us will see in a life time. Sit down.

I'm not against actors having opinions, but don't be so trite and predictable to assume that we're tuning in to the Oscars to hear your version of things. Write a friggin' newsletter if you really feel the need to speak out. Don't use a venue like this to hog the spotlight.

Hey, I'd love to give my opinion about the state of the world to one of the largest global television audiences, but no one invited me. Don't abuse your station in life. Don't wear out your welcome. Make the funny faces and wear the prosthetic noses. That's what we pay you for.

[/end rant]

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ANTIBIOTICS, PLEASE

by Tom on March 19, 2003 at 12:00 am
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(6 votes, average: 8.50 out of 10)
Oscars, Oscar Fever, mop, Whoopi Goldberg, Best Cinematography, Conrad Hall, drunk

What is this strange disease that has taken grip on our protagonist? It's OSCAR FEVER and it is intensifying! If you want to see how Tom makes it through the other side, you'll need to be here on Friday!

Every year I get sucked into the same trap. At some point in February, they roll out the Oscar nominations and every year I roll my eyes because they didn't nominate actor "x" or picture "y". But then, as the ceremony date rolls near, I get all giddy like a crack-addled monkey making my predictions and spouting off my theories on who should win and why.

I think a lot of it has to do with certain media outlets that craft their coverage so cannily, I cannot help but to fall beneath their sway. Entertainment Weekly is a prime example of this. They handicap the odds of the big nominees. Reading that stuff makes you feel like you actually understand the backwards cluster of Hollywood politics - like you're a friggin' "insider", or something.

In the end, it's all just fodder for small talk - a way to make you appear more in the loop than others. At least until next year.

Talking about my excitement for the Oscars seems especially moot at this point in history. I'm sure if you watch the news or, y'know... occasionally pick up a newspaper, you're well aware of the state of the world right now. Talking about some stupid award being given to some overpaid actor may seem downright shallow and close-minded by comparison.

But let me put this in perspective for you.

I watch the national news every day and every day I read a newspaper. At night, I flip between the different cable news outlets. I like to think myself as a member of the world community and choose not to shut myself off from it. True, part of my daily information consumption is entertainment "news", but I readily digest the stuff that matters. I would suggest everyone do the same.

But that being said, I'm not going to weigh down the site with speculation about the impending war - what it means, what it will do to our relationships with other countries or how it has emasculated the U.N. to the point of ineffectiveness.

It's my understanding that this site was created as a diversion from such things. I want to entertain you, so why bog you down with these things that don't relate?

It's just... well, war is pretty serious stuff. I don't want you to think I'm ignoring it. But if you're coming here to add a little levity to your day -- even for a few minutes -- then I wanted you to know I'm committed to providing that.

For all those who serve or knows someone who does, may this conflict be over quickly and with a minimal amount of casualties -- on both sides.

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GOTTA CATCH THE FEVER!

by Tom on March 17, 2003 at 12:00 am
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Oscar fever, insanity, illness, sick, bootylicious, Truman

First things first. I want to take a second to wish everyone out there a very Happy St. Patrick's Day. Being of Irish decent, I'm required by law to make mention of it. I don't wanna disrespect my heritage, or anything. Of course, with that whole drinkin' and fightin' thing hard-wired into my genetic makeup, I don't have to go too far out of my way to do that.

With that said, I am finally back from New York and it feels good to be in the saddle again. Like they say, it's good to get away, but it's good to come back. I was getting a little burnt out drawing my characters, so it was good to get a break. But when I got home, I was itching to start up again!

New York was fun, but nothing like I thought it would be. I think because we're all so saturated with media and movies that originate in The Big Apple, we think we have a sense of how things are. And if you're like me and watch movies like Taxi Driver or Annie Hall, New York can look like a pretty scary place.

Much to my relief, New York was NOT the crime-infested hell hole I once believed it to be. Neighborhoods are very close nit and there is always something to look at. I felt very safe and comfortable walking around on the streets. I guess that's because YOU'RE NEVER ALONE!

When they say it's "The City That Never Sleeps", they aren't kidding. There are people milling about CONSTANTLY. You're always bumping into people and getting spun into a tizzy whenever you try to make way. New York is the kind of city where if you aren't moving, you'll get run over.

Of course we (my wife Cami and I) made it to all the tourist destinations. We saw The Statue of Liberty, which is not as large as you think it is. We weren't allowed to go up inside it (pending war, and whatnot), so basically we spent $10 just to ride a ferry and get a closer look. Ellis Island was also on the itinerary, but it sucked - just an empty building.

We also went to The Empire State Building, which was pretty cool. I'm a big fan of that 1930's, art-deco style so I was right at home in that place. The outdoor observation deck is a trip. I've never stood atop a structure that tall with open access to the elements. Again, Hollywood is the great deceiver because it's not as wide open as Sleepless in Seattle would make you believe. There's probably just enough room to stand three in a row behind you.

Other highlights included going to The Today Show and freezing to death like morons in Rockefeller Plaza waiting for a glimpse of Matt Lauer and Katie Couric. Katie is WAY more wrinkled in real life, by the way. I guess we were on TV for a nanosecond when they do those panning shots of the crowd. We told our parents when they would be there, so they taped the program. We still haven't seen it yet. We were there on Monday the 11th, in case anyone was curious.

Other highlights were the NBC Studio tour where I got to see the infamous Studio 8H - the home of Saturday Night Live. Times Square was a rush and we also saw two Broadway productions - The Producers and Say Good Night, Gracie. The latter starring Frank Gorshin as George Burns performing a one man play about the late entertainer's life. If you recall, Gorshin played The Riddler on the old Batman TV series.

I don't know how, but by some quark of fate, we got seats front row center for Frank's play. These theaters are pretty small, so that's a little too close for my taste. It was especially too close when Frank as George Burns straddles a chair and talks to the audience. And here I sit, a perfect crotch-height, EXTREMELY uncomfortable with the whole affair.

Of course, I DID get a chance to see a movie while I was in town. I finally got off my duff and we went to see Chicago at the old Zeigfield Theater in Midtown. This was the place where they used to perform The Zeigfield Follies back in the 1920's - everything from show tunes, to comedians in black face, to flappers, this place was host to it. What better venue to see a movie set shortly after that era like Chicago?

Watching the movie, I was vaguely impressed with the technicality of the whole thing. All the numbers hit their marks and the movie on the whole is very entertaining. But leaving the theater, all that was left in my head was the annoying, brassy music and the wah-wah vocal style of the songs.

Here's my thing about Chicago: It doesn't SAY anything. It's just a big piece of American cheese, flash and glitter. It's all production value and little else. And THIS is the front-runner for the Best Picture Oscar? Please.

If I were to give out the Oscar today, I'd give it to Gangs of New York. Epic in scale, acting in spaded (Leonardo DiCaprio excluded) - it had something to say about how things were versus what they've become. It was tactile. You could sense it, almost smell it. Far more rewarding to a cinematic eye than Chicago. Hell, give it to Lord of the Rings before you give it to Chicago!

It's kind of a catch twenty-two, but any award you give to Chicago will ring false to me - like they're compensating for overlooking Moulin Rouge last year. But at the same time, any award you give to Martin Scorsese will seem like a gold-watch for all his prior works. As good as Gangs is, it's hard to top something like Goodfellas.

I guess we'll have to wait until this Sunday to see how things turn out.

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DASTARDLY

by Tom on March 7, 2003 at 12:00 am
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(5 votes, average: 8.60 out of 10)
Steve Martin, Oscars, Hall of Executives, mediocrity, mash up, Housesitter, Bulworth, Bringing Down the House, Queen Latifah,

I don't know what it is, but something about Steve Martin's latest movie smacks of desperation. From the trailers, it looks like Martin was in it for the payday. Damn shame, 'cause I'm a big fan.

I can't understand why any rational person would pay good money to see Bringing Down the House in the theater. This looks like a movie we've seen a thousand times before. And I'm not kidding when it looks like the bastard spawn of Housesitter and Bulworth.

Just like in Housesitter, Martin is saddled with an unruly woman who commandeers his home and stodgy, white bread world. Bulworth has this element, too, but with a political spin -- i.e. White man becomes enlightened of black struggles by hanging out in clubs with them, smokin' blunts and downing a 40 ounce.

I about passed out when I watched the previews for this film with Martin decked out in hip hop regalia talkin' smack to the brothers in the hood. I'm sorry, but there is something gross and UNFUNNY about a 50 year old white man using Ebonics (which is another load, by the way) for comedic purposes.

It's like when they put Gwenneth Paltrow in that fat suit for Shallow Hal. The jokes weren't originating from the character, they WERE the character. It's all supposed to be an inside joke where everyone says "Okay, we all know Gwenneth is thin an attractive, but let's make her fat and ugly! That's it! That's the joke!"

Pass.

I think most people will agree that Martin is at his best when he is being subtle and intelligent. Why stoop to this? It's Sgt. Bilko all over again. Steve, Steve, Steve...

Anyway, today is my last strip before going on vacation to New York. I'm excited to go and I miss Cami a lot. It will be good to see her again. Three days is a long time.

While I'm away, keep coming back to the site for an ultra dose of guest strip mayhem! I already have 4 in the bin, and I'm expecting at least two more. That's 6 strips people. You're getting a better deal here than if you had me doing the work!

And don't forget to check us out on the 17th when I get back, because we're going to premier the Theater Hopper Documentary. It's going to be a blast!

Before I take off, I want to give a general shout out to everyone who is helping to keep the site running while I'm away. The individual artists providing their guest strips will get their due on the day their strip is posted, so don't worry about that.

But I really want to thank Jared for uploading all of this new content. I'm preparing all of the guest strip pages in advance while Jared does the dirty work of getting them posted. With his help, he's allowed me to take a something that would otherwise result in plummeting readership and turn it into a genuine opportunity. Thanks.

To the rest of you, take care! I'll be back in this spot on the 17th!

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