If picking your nose is the only criteria for becoming the next Rob Schneider, then Tom is well on his way.

I don’t understand the purpose of making a sequel to 1999’s Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo 6 years after the original hit theaters. Lazily titling it Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo – as of the play on words was a substitute for wit – immediately elicits the rolling of eyes on my side of the screen.

Let me tell you how this movie is going to break down and maybe I’ll save you the eight bucks. If you haven’t seen the first Deuce Bigalow, rent it. Afterwords, take a moment to sit back and ponder what would happen if that character set up shop in Europe. See where I’m going with this? It will be the same jokes. The same tired plot devices and outlandish set-ups. The only thing different will be the scenery. Nothing new will be added. This will only compound the disappointment since the writers had 6 years to come up with a good idea and you will feel used and abused.

There. Now take that eight bucks and put it toward Jim Jarmusch’s Broken Flowers when it comes out. You won’t be disappointed.

Why a sequel? Why now? Was the demand so large a sequel simply HAD to be made? Did multiple airings on basic cable generate some sort of groundswell for all things Deuce that I am unaware of? Was fan fiction appearing on the net about our pint-size hero and all his misadventures “man-whoring” about town with his flashy pimp T.J.? Were movie producers tossing and turning in their beds at night, muttering to themselves “Deuce… Bigalow! The world needs another… Deuce… Bigalow!”

Or perhaps Rob Schneider needed another easy payday so he could check into a clinic to have those bags under his eyes removed. HELLO! Those puffy wads of flesh under those dull portals are so big they say “Samsonite” on them. LOOK OUT!

Thanks. I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitress.

Originally, I wasn’t sure about posting a comic today. Those in the know are aware of some personal issues in my family regarding the health of a relative. It’s been trying. I want to keep things private, but at the same time, I’m ready to talk.

I think what’s best is to keep family matters close to the vest. All I’m saying that if I’m not around to update the comic in the next couple of weeks, there is a reason why. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

In the meantime, I’m trying to work through it with laughter. Trying to find something funny to talk about to take my mind off things. I don’t mean to bum any of you out with my personal problems. That’s not what you come here for. First and foremost, I want to make you laugh. I’m just saying this has been weighing a lot on my mind and this is an instance where having a creative outlet such as this comes in really, really handy. For that, I’m thankful and I’m thankful to you.

Sincere appreciation goes out to you for supporting the site. Everyone who visits keeps me motivated to keep trying harder.

I’ll be around the bend.

↓ Transcript

Little Rob Schneider! Pull up your pants and get over here!

Robert, when you pull down you pants and pretend to pick your nose, do you think the other kids are laughing with you or at you?

I dunno. With?

At, Robert. They’re laughing at you.

Robert, making immature jokes about bodily functions is no way to impress people or get them to like you. At some point you will need to learn what it means to have a little self respect.

34 years later…

Rob Schneider: Ha! And my second grade teacher said I wouldn’t go anywhere in life!