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Mar03

THE PREMISE

March 3rd, 2003 | by Tom
  • Comics
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars
(12 votes, average: 6.58 out of 10)
THE PREMISE

Considering the success of Cradle 2 The Grave, it looks likely we’ll see more East Meets West crime capers with da hip-hop flava!

Please.

I could have told you 10 minutes into watching Romeo Must Die that this was going to be a really obnoxious trend in movie making. Tossing together rap stars and martial arts heroes may sound like a good idea on paper, but when it boils down to it, the whole scenario is just another marketing gimmick.

They whip up some lame ass premise for the rappers so they don’t have to do any complicated acting or emoting, and then kung fu guy picks up the slack by demonstrating a dazzling array of skills and stunts. If you ask me, people like Jet Li really get the short end of the stick in this arrangement. They should be getting top billing in a movie of his own instead of playing second fiddle the DMX.

Then again, he kind of blew that opportunity with Black Mask and The One, soooo…

:: switching gears ::

Just in case you missed the memo Friday, I will be out of town the week of March 10, so you won’t get a new strip from me until Monday, March 17.

However, because I care so much about you, my ever-loving fans – YES ,YOU! – I’ve planned a week of guest strips to tide you over. I’ve asked a handful of popular creators in the community to lend a hand, but I don’t want to jinx my luck and say who until I’ve got their work in my hot little hands. Hopefully I’ll have some names I can start dropping later this week.

You also won’t want to miss my spectacular return because we’re planning on unveiling the fantastic THEATER HOPPER DOCUMENTARY Jared shot maybe 3 months ago. Remember THAT? Yeah, well, we’re going to put it on the site the week of my return, so mark your calendars!

I was really worried about taking some time off, but I think this is all a blessing in disguise. It’s giving me an opportunity to take a breather while exposing everyone to some rock-solid work that’s been finding it’s way to my inbox. If you’re interested in submitting something, just drop me a line before 5:00 PM, this Friday the 14th. Get an early start because I have a maximum of five slots to fill and they’re going fast! I may open up Saturday and Sunday if there are a ton of submissions. The rest would go on the Fan Art section of the Bonus Materials page. Funniest material gets a spot front and center!

Thanks again to everyone who has been supporting Theater Hopper. It really means a lot, especially when it comes from the fans. I think this is going to be a lot of fun. Stay tuned!

└ Tags: cop, Cradle 2 The Grave, diamonds, DMX, gangsta, giant robot, Jet Li, laughing, space pirates
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Apr07

A GOOD LAUGH

April 7th, 2004 | by Tom
  • Comics
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars
(10 votes, average: 4.90 out of 10)
A GOOD LAUGH

Okay, so you know how on Monday I said I would be out of town on Wednesday and you wouldn’t see a new comic from me today? Well, I kinda lied. Turns out one of my guest strip guys flaked, so I had to improvise. That’s why you see the comic you see today.

Something close to this actually happened last week between Cami and myself. As you recall, Cami flatly refused to see Hellboy, but admitted that Walking Tall had piqued her interest. I thought it would be fun to rent another movie starring The Rock called The Rundown as a sort of appetizer.

I picked up the rental from my local blockbuster last Wednesday expecting to watch it with Cami that night. Well, it turns out she had a work-related function to attend that night. Thursday night wasn’t much better because she had a night class. And Friday… well, Friday we go out. So no movie watching there. Then on SATURDAY, she was out of town…

You get the idea.

It was Sunday before we were together long enough to watch the movie together. I was getting ready to pop in the VCR and Cami asked me why I hadn’t gone ahead and watched it without her when she was gone all those evenings. I told her I was saving it to watch with her.

She let out the most terrifying, prolonged belly-laugh I had ever heard. Totally spontaneous, half mocking and 100% unexpected. Gee, thanks. I love you, too.

We sat down to watch the film and she feel asleep. Let’s put it this way: The hassle of watching The Rundown wasn’t worth the late fee I racked up.

Anyway, that’s enough storytelling for one evening. Be sure to visit the site on Friday because I have a guest strip all lined up for you. And it’s for REAL this time!

See you all next week when I get back from Vegas!

└ Tags: Dwayne Johnson, laughing, The Rock, The Rundown, Walking Tall
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Aug10

SOME LESSONS WE NEVER LEARN

August 10th, 2005 | by Tom
  • Comics
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars
(6 votes, average: 9.17 out of 10)
SOME LESSONS WE NEVER LEARN

If picking your nose is the only criteria for becoming the next Rob Schneider, then Tom is well on his way.

I don’t understand the purpose of making a sequel to 1999’s Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo 6 years after the original hit theaters. Lazily titling it Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo – as of the play on words was a substitute for wit – immediately elicits the rolling of eyes on my side of the screen.

Let me tell you how this movie is going to break down and maybe I’ll save you the eight bucks. If you haven’t seen the first Deuce Bigalow, rent it. Afterwords, take a moment to sit back and ponder what would happen if that character set up shop in Europe. See where I’m going with this? It will be the same jokes. The same tired plot devices and outlandish set-ups. The only thing different will be the scenery. Nothing new will be added. This will only compound the disappointment since the writers had 6 years to come up with a good idea and you will feel used and abused.

There. Now take that eight bucks and put it toward Jim Jarmusch’s Broken Flowers when it comes out. You won’t be disappointed.

Why a sequel? Why now? Was the demand so large a sequel simply HAD to be made? Did multiple airings on basic cable generate some sort of groundswell for all things Deuce that I am unaware of? Was fan fiction appearing on the net about our pint-size hero and all his misadventures “man-whoring” about town with his flashy pimp T.J.? Were movie producers tossing and turning in their beds at night, muttering to themselves “Deuce… Bigalow! The world needs another… Deuce… Bigalow!”

Or perhaps Rob Schneider needed another easy payday so he could check into a clinic to have those bags under his eyes removed. HELLO! Those puffy wads of flesh under those dull portals are so big they say “Samsonite” on them. LOOK OUT!

Thanks. I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitress.

Originally, I wasn’t sure about posting a comic today. Those in the know are aware of some personal issues in my family regarding the health of a relative. It’s been trying. I want to keep things private, but at the same time, I’m ready to talk.

I think what’s best is to keep family matters close to the vest. All I’m saying that if I’m not around to update the comic in the next couple of weeks, there is a reason why. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

In the meantime, I’m trying to work through it with laughter. Trying to find something funny to talk about to take my mind off things. I don’t mean to bum any of you out with my personal problems. That’s not what you come here for. First and foremost, I want to make you laugh. I’m just saying this has been weighing a lot on my mind and this is an instance where having a creative outlet such as this comes in really, really handy. For that, I’m thankful and I’m thankful to you.

Sincere appreciation goes out to you for supporting the site. Everyone who visits keeps me motivated to keep trying harder.

I’ll be around the bend.

└ Tags: Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo, laughing, nose picking, pants, Rob Schneider, self respect, Teacher
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